January 27th is the Second Annual LiveJournal Rabbit Hole Day! Conquer Greenland. Sprout some extra limbs. Walk on water. Marry an insect.

Okaaay...this day was *supposed* to be normal but...

I woke up this morning feeling like shit. Then I discovered...I WAS SHIT!! I had disintigrated into a stinking pile of elephant dung in my sleep and was now decomposing slowly on my bed.

"No!!" I thought. "I can't be shit! I'm supposed to do jazz dance today, and possibly start my new job tutoring idiots, no wait, I mean academically challenged individuals!! Noooooooooooooo!!"

I was on my bed weeping (which I don't know how I did, since piles of shit don't have lachrymal glands) when two figures appeared. One appeared to be a kid, maybe 15 years old or younger, dressed in 18th century clothes. He was adjusting his curly white wig with his right hand and clutching a handful of paper in his left. The second figure was in his thirties, dressed in one of those old-fashioned tuxedoes with the long coattails. No curly wig here; the guy had nice wavy hair that was slicked back. He was also clutching one of those ancient cameras that took hours to take pictures with. I stared at them curiously and they stared back, obviously disgusted.

"Bah!" the kid said, wrinkling his nose. "I was promised the most amazing thing on earth to use as inpiration for my first great opera...but here is der Kotballen...a pile of die Fäkalien...some die Kacke...Scheiße! Eeeeeeew!"

"That's not fair!" cried the guy in the tuxedo, "I was promised the most beautiful child on earth as inspiration for my new novel and here lies a pile of feces, crap, dung! I'm going back to the Timeturner guy and I'm going to ask for my money back..."

The guy in the tux reached into his pocket and took out what looked like a fob watch, but when he opened it, it revealed a holographic image of lots of dials. He started twiddling the dials with his right hand while holding his nose with his left. "I dnew I thould've sthuck to usig dat Liddell kid..." he muttered.

The kid however, was deep in thought. "Aha!" he said, "My first great opera will be about der Kotballen." He took out some sheafs from the roll of paper he had, sat at my desk, took one of my pens, and started writing (I heard him whisper, "Ooooh...they have invented self-inking pens!" in delight) He hummed to himself as he wrote, occasionally bursting out with laughter.

The man finished turning the dials on his fob watch/holographic computer. "Hey you, Wolfie, let's go!"
the man called to the kid. "I've set the time dials back to home for you, then the Timeturner's shop for me. Quick, before we rip a tear in the space-time continuum!"

"But Uncle Charles...can't you see I'm working here...ooh look, CANDY!!"

"No..Wolf...ack...don't put that in your mouth! You don't know where that's been!"

"It's actually quite good, Uncle Charles. It's called...er...I can't read the language, but it's some sort of chocolate."

Up to this point I was silent and in shock, but when I saw that the kid was eating my chocolate--MY CHOCOLATE, for heaven's sake--I screamed "LAY OFF MY MEIJI BLACK!!!!"

The two figures stared at me, obviously taken aback.

"Der Kotballen has spoken! Der Kotballen has spoken!" the kid screamed, cackling with glee. "My first opera can be named 'Die Sprechensache Kotballen'! See, Uncle Charles, this trip wasn't a waste of time! We can still have fun on our birthday!" The kid popped in the rest of my Meiji black chocolate in his mouth and proceeded to write again.

"Hey, seriously, whoever the fuck you are, stop eating my fucking Meiji Black!!" I raged. My day was bad enough without my chocolate being stolen by some weirdo in a powedered wig. I was already feeling like shit; I didn't want to feel like shit that was stolen candy from.

"Seriously, we have to go..." Uncle Charles said. "My timeturner is going haywire, and if we don't go soon, we might change the course of history forever."

"Oh don't shit in your pants Uncle Charles, der Kotballen speaks, so it must be spoken to." Uncle Charles started pacing around my room, checking his fob watch every millionth of a second.

"Guten tag, der Kotballen...my name is Wolfgang. It's Uncle Charles and my birthday today so you have to answer everything I ask. How are you?" the kid asked me.

"My name is not Kotballen...it's Jolleen. Grr. Happy birthday to you both, but as you can see, I am feeling shitty. Literally. Can you guys help me change back into my human form, or at least shovel me into a better container?" Little Wolfgang rolled on the floor, laughing. Uncle Charles however, had increased his pacing and watch-checking to an even more frenzied pace.

"Oh dear me, oh my, we're late! Something catastrophic will happen!!" Uncle Charles dove under my desk, and Wolfgang rolled after him, still cackling madly. I, having no limbs whatsoever, was forced to stay on my bed, dreading what was going to happen. Uncle Charlie threw his fob watch on me and tried to bury his head in the thick carpeting of my room.

"Hey, wait a minute, what does this thing do?!?!" I wailed, then BOOM!! Everything exploded.

I gained consciousness in an 18th century room. Three people were standing over me-Wolfgang, Uncle Charles, and a third old geezer with a large hourglass on his back. Behind Wolfgang, I could see a man standing over a girl playing at a harpsichord. The girl was playing something hauntingly familiar, but in my newly awoken state, I couldn't place where I heard it.

"She's awake, thank God. But she still reeks of sewage." Uncle Charles breathed in relief.

"Well, she wasn't a Kotballen after all...I think I'll just go make a minuet." sighed Wolfgang.

"We have to send her home now, so say your goodbyes." said the old geezer, who I assumed was the Timeturner dude.

"Goodbye der Kotballen--wait, I mean Jooow-leeeeeeen." said Wolfgang.

"It was nice to make your acquaintance Ms. Jolleen. My name is Charles Lutwidge, and I hope we did not disturb your day too much. Farewell, and godspeed!" said Uncle Charles.

"Aaaaaaaaand off you go!!" said the Timeturner geezer.

My world suddenly spun around, and I heard many different noises at once. The timeturner telling Wolfgang and Uncle Charles, "Well, now you know what NOT to do when you guys rent a timeturner on your birthday next year..." The same haunting melody I heard playing on the harpsichord, which I then realized was Mozart's Minuet in G, K1. ACDC's Highway to Hell...Nobuo Uematsu's One Winged Angel...

I landed on my feet in the center of my room. Aside from a faint unpleasant odor, my room seemed exactly as I had left it when I went to sleep last night...except for one thing. On my table was a stack of sheet music. I went over to it and read the top part. It said:

Die Sprechensache Kotballen
by W. A. Mozart

"Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat????" I exclaimed, collapsing on my bed. Now I realized just who my visitors were. Mozart--*the Mozart*--the greatest composer ever, and Lewis Carroll--*the Lewis Carroll*--author of Alice in Wonderland.

"Huuuuuuulwaaaaaaaaaaaaw!!!"

Later that day, I tried taking Mozart's manuscript to the music experts, but since little Wolfie used my ballpen to write it, the high and mighty gods of musicology kicked me out of their lofty faculty center, laughing all the way. One of them even said that I was so clever as to imitate Mozart's handwriting exactly, while patting me on the head. I didn't dare tell them what happened to me earlier, lest they send me over to the psychology department. I went back home, tired (and possibly brain damaged as well) from my ordeals of the day.

Later that night, I lay in bed singing out passages from Die Sprechensache Kotballen. Right before I went to sleep, I swear to god, I saw Uncle Cha--I mean Lewis Carroll--whispering in my ear, "Goodnight little miss, and thank you for the very interesting birthday."


The End







Writer's note: Happy Birthday to Mozart and Lewis Carroll...

I took some biographical info from these sites:
Lewis Carroll's biography: www.insite.com.br/rodrigo/text/lewis_carroll.html
Mozart's biography: www.classicalarchives.com/bios/mozart_bio.html

I also took some info about Mozart's personality from some books, which I don't remember the titles of. Sorry. I'll cite them later when I remember where I read that Mozart liked poop jokes a lot.

I couldn't find any info about what Lewis Carroll was like aside from his love of photography, so I just made his personality like the White Rabbit's.

Hope you enjoyed my little trip down the rabbit hole!!

Copyright © 2006 by Jolleen Filio